Magical contraceptive waters
After unsuccessfully trying to stump me on presidential trivia, local author John Oliver (A.K.A. JPV Oliver, Gent) suggested that I attend a talk he had coming up … guaranteeing I’d learn something new. Fully prepared to demand a refund if I didn’t, last night my mom and I attended George Washington & Saratoga: It’s Complicated at Saratoga Springs History Museum.
I’m so glad we went.
Oliver was right. I did learn new things. Canfield Casino is stunning (scroll to the end for some pics). The talk was fascinating and funny. Unsurprisingly, I found myself perusing my mental catalog of sketchbooks during the talk.
I added Oliver’s comic memoir I Know This Looks Bad to my must-read list and gathered up some doodles to share, along with tidbits from his talk.
Let’s dive in.
To date, I’ve read more books about George Washington than any other president. Quite a bit was left on the cutting room floor to keep this post manageable. Here are the doodles and tidbits that made the cut:
Washington tried to buy Saratoga Springs.
Bored after the end of the war and killing time until the peace treaty was signed, Washington wrote to New York Governor George Clinton with an offer to buy Saratoga Springs. The waters were believed to be magical (“a great curiosity, according to one soldier) and could cure practically anything. Gout, dropsy, hangovers, malaria, diabetes, you name it. Heck, they were even contraceptive.*
*No they weren’t. Also, please don’t use this post as medical advice. Check out this other post instead.
Washington was shocked to receive a letter from Clinton sixteen months later with a hard pass.
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“Much more a scrum in a rugby match of titanic egos”
I love how Oliver puts this. Their egos were both gargantuan and also shockingly brittle. I’m not sure how these guys even navigated through life. In any case …
There was a huge departure in how the Founding Fathers referred to Washington before he was president (“I have boundless confidence in him!”) and during his presidency (“not above mediocrity”).
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Washington was an entrepreneur.
I had no idea that he sold George Washington brand flour. He also grew tobacco and had a whiskey distillery. When he noticed how many fish were caught by the people he enslaved on their day off — he turned that into a business, too.
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The Whiskey Rebellion was a big freaking deal.
It was the only time a sitting president took up arms against citizens. It was also a big fat government overreach and not at all welcome by Pennsylvania Governor Thomas Mifflin.
Excuse the typo below leading to an unrelated bit about Gouverneur Morris. I never pass up the opportunity to talk about Morris shoving a whale bone up his urethra or his incessant shtupping. If only Morris had access to the magical waters of Saratoga, perhaps he could have cured his urinary tract infection less … invasively.
Guess who commanded the troops sent to squash the rebellion? Light Horse Harry Lee — Robert E. Lee’s dad.
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Speaking of Robert E. Lee …
George Washington’s good-for-nothing stepson Washy Custis was Robert E. Lee’s father-in-law. Lee decided to turn down Lincoln’s offer to command the Union troops and instead command the rebels from the home he shared with Mary.
Washy was a serial rapist. So, there’s that.
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Washington’s teeth weren’t wooden.
I learned the specifics from Nathaniel Philbrick’s Travels with George: In Search of Washington and His Legacy and it’s horrifying. To add insult to injury, Washington didn’t even pay the going rate.
Cheapskate.
A huge thank you to John Oliver, for giving me a heads up about this fun evening. (And also to my mom, for introducing me to arancini rice balls beforehand.)
Postscripts
The most recent bit of trivia Oliver tried to trip me up with was about presidential pants. Clotheshorse Chester Arthur owned 80 pairs of designer pants. (It’s worth nothing that LBJ would also be a great punchline in pants-related presidential trivia. It’s also worth noting that Oliver called me “annoyingly intelligent” which is maybe the best compliment ever. If it wasn’t blatant false advertising, I’d want that quote to go on the cover of my book.)
You know something else?
This incredible event made me really want to deliver my own presidential talks. Unlike Washington, I swear it would be “above mediocrity.” Albeit maybe just a smidge. At the very least, I promise I won’t accidentally start any wars. What if attendees all received a POTUS trading card when they arrived? They could even trade with each other before the event started. And there could be prizes for anyone who correctly answered any questions I lob out to the audience. I have so many ideas. Let me know what you think in the comments below.
If you’re feeling brave enough to hire me, reach out! I’d love to chat.
